Lori has a really good one this week - she just tickles me! 
http://tritown.gmnews.com/news/2009/1224/editorials/022.htmlMarriage is no diamond commercial
Are We There Yet? • LORI CLINCH
The worst thing about watching TV this time of the year is the diamond commercials.
You know what I'm talking about. The handsome young man is ice skating with his beloved bride, and he slips and moves clumsily around on the ice much to her amusement. When she goes to "rescue" him, he pulls a diamond necklace out of his pocket and then says something as special as "You always catch me when I fall."
I can't help wondering how long it took him to think that line up.
Who doesn't loathe the one where the man gazes lovingly into his wife's eyes as he touches her face tenderly? He then presents her a diamond the size of Rhode Island under the mistletoe as he whispers thoughts of love and promises of doing the dishes after the holiday meal.
"For your past, your present, and your future," says the announcer in a low and seductive voice, "surprise her with the diamond of her dreams."
Oh gag me. The last time my beloved surprised me with a diamond, he was proposing marriage. "Here," he said as he plunked the ring box down on the table. "Now, let's hit the salad bar."
Truth is, the diamond commercial couples don't truly exist, and if they did, I'll tell you this, I for one would not befriend them.
We here at the Clinches have our own version of the diamond moments sans the diamonds. There are the times when my own handsome husband does the dishes, or tells the boys to haul their dirty laundry to the facilities, and the especially romantic times are when he brings me coffee out of the blue.
A wife cannot ask for more than that! Lest we not forget the day that he set up scaffolding in the foyer and drilled large holes to help me hang an oversized mirror. He didn't produce a diamond from his tool belt, but the end result was the same.
It's not always wine and roses, though. It's taken some work to get that man of mine to be romantic. I've had to coach him to remember anniversaries, the proper time to ask me to don chore boots, and that putting a jeweler's ad through the shredder as he asks me what I want for Christmas is just plain and simple not nice.
Unlike the timely man in the diamond commercials with the perfect script for the romantic moment, Pat has an improvement or two to make on holding up his end of our diamond conversations.
Take a recent trip into town, for instance. Deep into the heart of the holidays and just coming off a cookie-baking spree, I was feeling less than svelte.
"I definitely need to start working out," I said as I took a long draw on my creamlaced coffee and adjusted my winter coat to cover the "flat tire" that has attached itself to my mid-section.
"Boy, I'll say," my very own diamond of a man answered. Having been through years of instruction at the Lori Clinch "This is what you're supposed to say" training camp, he quickly realized the errors of his ways.
"I mean, I've noticed that too!" he quickly added in an attempt to redeem himself, and in doing so had not only NOT rectified his previous statement, but he dug himself even deeper into a cavernous, dark hole.
The poor man began sweating bullets and dabbed his brow with his sleeve as he tried to find the right words to say, and although he didn't blurt out "Oh no!," his body language screamed it for him.
He didn't turn to meet my burning gaze, but I'm sure he felt it searing a hole in the side of his head as he went on a mental search for rectification. Finding something he felt was adequate under extreme pressure, he then added, "On me! I mean I've noticed the additional weight on me. You don't look that bad. I mean, you look fine. I don't look fine. You can eat all of the cookies that you want. Not that I've noticed you eating a lot of cookies!"
He then braved a glance in my direction and simply said, "I should do a few sit-ups sometime."
Now that is just the sort of dialogue they should use in a diamond commercial.
Lori Clinch is the mother of four sons and the author of the book "Are We There Yet?" You can reach her at
www.loriclinch.com.
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